Chuck Norris, Scientist These are comment about how Chuck Norris would do in science. Based on discussions with my son, and inspired by conversations in serial documentaries about scientists and engineers in the LA area, as well as colleagues, students, and so on, etc. Copyright Frank E. Ritter, November 2018 and later ------------- Chuck Norris does complex problem solving routinely, never encounters wild subproblems. Chuck Norris, scientist, has measured infinity to the point where the measurements are not a sample but a closed set. Chuck Norris has to be studied in a BSL5 lab or higher. Chuck Norris has to be studied in a BSL6 lab or higher. Chuck Norris has to be studied in a BSL10 lab or higher. Chuck Norris can recite all the prime numbers, backwards. Chuck Norris has a sleeping bag rated to -10 Kelvin. Chuck Norris has an ASVAB score over 200. Chuck Norris had a heart attack. After three agonising days, the heart that attacked, died. [some liberty taken from a joke from Joe W.] Chuck Norris' camera uses -100 mm lens for 720 degree shots. Chuck Norris does not use ATP for cellular energy, but AQP. Chuck Norris can't be moved from his frame of reference. Chuck Norris put a grounded plug and also a polarised plug into an ungrounded outlet without an adapter. Chuck Norris has a Glascow Comma Scale (GSC) score of over 110. Chuck Norris had an Apgar score of 11 when he was born. Chuck Norris can generate a log-log plot with both range and domain including 0. Or, Chuck Norris can plot (0,0) on a log-log plot. Chuck Norris does not have an Erdosh Number; Erdosh has a Norris number. Chuck Norris can use the Devil's Pitchfork, and Chuck Norris can climb Escher's stairs Chuck Norris sees through optical illusions Chuck Norris can compute a t-test with just the data summary. Chuck Norris computes infinite series, iteratively, in finite time Chuck Norris gets lower than absolute zero Chuck Norris is faster than a tachyon running backwards Chuck Norris can do a t-test using coffee. When Chuck Norris holds a stance it's with 0 Kelvin movement. Chuck Norris can travel 2000 milliseconds per second. Chuck Norris can accelerate from 0 to 60 without any jerk or jounce, and certainly without any snap, crackle, and pop. Chuck Norris can make electricity run backwards. Chuck Norris does not have a dielectric constant, he has a die-electric constant. Chuck Norris has a 1 m Debrogie wavelength. Chuck Norris can cause a Big Bang. Chuck Norris uses the tangent of 90 in computations. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...twice Chuck Norris can count from 0 to 1 using all the rationals, or all the irrationals, or all the transcendentals, or both. Chuck Norris knows all the digits to Pi, and so: Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi Chuck Norris knows where Pi starts to repeat Chuck Norris can make the digits of Pi repeat Thus, Chuck Norris can solve the halting problems related to computing Pi Chuck Norris has proved Fermat's last theorem to his own satisfaction. Chuck Norris knows a particle's momentum and location. Chuck Norris can square a circle with his bare hands. Chuck Norris can karate chop an angle into three equal pieces using a straightedge, a compass, and the edge of his hand. Chuck Norris can travel faster AND slower than the speed of light concurrently. Chuck Norris knows what anti-matter tastes like, and it is 'peppy'. Chuck Norris can break carbon-carbon bonds and make double helium molecules. Chuck Norris has no internal resistance when he gives you a perfect assault and battery. Chuck Norris can break the sound barrier, and can put it back together without glue or nails with a cold contact weld. Chuck Norris gives Watson the answers. Chuck Norris knows when programs halt -- it's when he tells them to. Chuck Norris can make exponential algorithms run in linear time out of fear. Chuck Norris can make linear algorithms run in constant time out of fear Chuck Norris, therefore, can run algorithms in constant time. Chuck Norris, therefore, can prove NP=P. Chuck Norris can simultaneously be both inside and outside any bottle, not just Klein bottles. Chuck Norris can make two right angles meet, on a plane and on a plane Chuck Norris can put two ducks in a row, three ducks on a plane, 4 ducks in space, and 5 ducks into hyperspace. [Credit due to Ryan Kaulakis] Chuck Norris knows the square root of -1, and it is him. Chuck Norris knows whether the cat is dead or alive, always, and can make it be either one or both out of fear. Chuck Norris has created numerous integers between 0 and 1 Chuck Norris can drink dihydrogen oxide and dihydrogen dioxide without harm Chuck Norris thinks raw chlorine is 'peppy' Chuck Norris can solve the Tower of Hanoi in one move Chuck Norris knows which side wins at chess -- it's him Chuck Norris can move twice as fast as Fitts law Chuck Norris can ski triple black diamonds, on one ski and no poles When Chuck Norris carves a turn, he creates black runs When Chuck Norris catches you, you get the black runs Chuck Norris does not catch a cold, it catches him! Chuck Norris is completely anti-viral and anti-prion Chuck Norris can catch neutrinos in his bare hands Chuck Norris has negative memory decay Chuck Norris not only approaches limits but goes past them When the Chuck Norris particle decays, it turns into numerous Higgs bosons Chuck Norris could shave his beard with Occam's razor, but that would be too simple [bob warren] When Chuck Norris withdraws water from a well, a cone of fear develops [bob warren] Chuck Norris, scientist, uses a binary numeral system with 3 symbols: 0, 1, and his fist [bob warren] When Chuck Norris crosses a Navy SEAL, the result is an undefined vector Chuck Norris does not just do extreme programming, he does extreme everything Chuck Norris routinely gets correlations above 10. Chuck Norris is looked up to by Bill Brasky. Chuck Norris can intubate himself. Chuck Norris does not one-up someone, he two- or three-ups people! Chuck Norris can do an Eskimo roll in a sit-on kayak. Other Academic jokes ==================== Your parent is so fat that you cannot model her with a finite element model, you have to use an infinite element model. Your parent is so fat that she could be the entire faculty-at-large party at commencement! Your parent is so fat that even the pixels in her picture are fat. Your parent is so fat that her picture as a jPeg weighs more than she does. Your parent is so fat that her dress size is in scientific notation. Your parent is so fat that she is being used as a neutron accelerator. Your parent (or you) are so fat that it takes four masks to cover her face. Your mother is so old that she was eligible for a vaccine before the pandemic started. Your parent is so fat that she has type 3 diabetes. Your parent is so fat that she is being recruited for use in fusion apparatus (solar-like mass) Your parent is so fat, that when they weigh her at the doctor's they think she is moving close to the speed of light! Your parent is so fat, that she can never travel the speed of light! Your parent is so fat, that she is slower than the Penn State computer systems Canvas and SIMBA. Your parent is so fat that she is the second largest repository for E. coli strains in North America. Your parent is so fat that when she moves she appears in *everyones* peripheral vision. Your parent is so fat that it takes like 1000 ms to orbit her body, eventually being captured. Your parent is so fat that if she donated her body to science, 50 medical students could learn from her cadaver at a time. Your mother is so ugly that she was Miss Uncanny Valley 1965-1975. Your mother is so cheap that she buys reconditioned dental floss! [reconditioned from Chris D.] Your parent is so fat that their picture can't fit in a single browser tab! Your parent is so fat that she graduated from college summa cum lardest! Your parent is so fat that her Fitts Law index of difficulty is 0 Your parent is so fat that when she is in a study it has an N of 100! that is, 100 factorial! Your parent is so fat that when she butt dials, for all X, where X is a cell phone, X rings! When three travel together, I can learn from one of them; except when it's your parent, and that's not just because then we can't fit on the same bus. Your parent is so fat that she can plug a black hole so that it stops radiating! Your parent is so fat that a logistic regression classified her as a 2! (Dan Guzek declines credit) Your parent is so stupid she had a negative Apgar score when she was born and it has not gone up! Your parent is so stupid she has a negative GCS score even before she gets in an accident! Your parent is so fat that her fat molecules release over 500 units of ATP per molecule metabolised! Your parent is so fat that your other parent does not call them 'Dear' or even 'Moose' but 'Mooses'. Your parent is so stupid that when they are in a discussion they contribute negative (Shannon's) information! Your parent is so stupid she has a Glascow Comma Scale (GSC) score of 0, and it goes negative when she's asleep. Your mom is so slow and fat that she emits 3 m deBroggie waves. Your mom is so ugly that she uses Battle's sign's as charming makeup. You mom is so fat and ugly that she did only distort the fabric of space-time she stained it! Your mom is so fat that all of her doses are computed as dosages of zero. Your mom is so fat that when she go to the hospital it has to be treated a a mass casualty. Your parent is so fat that I have to use 2nd person pleural when addressing her in Spanish. Your parent is so large that you can fit two parents into their muumuu. Your parent is so large that she actually wears a moo moo rather than a muumuu. Your parent is so fat that she wears a mumu as a compression stocking. your parent is so stupid that she has negative d-prime for most stimuli sets. Your parent is so fat that it takes a team of dermatologists to give her annual exam, they have to do it by quadrants, include spelunkers, and have search parties on standby! Your parent is so fat that you have to click on her picture when it appears in recapcha forms asking for pictures of trucks. Your parent is so fat that their reflection weighs 100 pounds. Your parent is so fat that their reflection can only move at 1/2 speed. Your parent is so fat that she still has weight in space. Your parent is so fat that she weighs the same on the earth and the moon. A haiku consists of 3 lines of unrhymed words, each 5, 7, 5 long. A series of similar paintings ============================= the view out of a cockpit in fog the grand canyon in fog a cow eating grass a snowman in a snowstorm A polar bear in the Antartic a polar bear looking ahead in the arctic Picasso's version of the above (in blue) Other comments ================== Microsoft Word, every version better than the next! What do Bavarians call Oktoberfest food? Food. Ahh. I've always wondered what it would be like to be a dreamer... Which is the correct statement in the Canadian Army (actually, Canadian Forces): All present and accounted for, sir. Eh? All present and accounted for, eh? Sir. I won a yoga contest in high school by being fastest. Some errors of course, but they did not penalise them much. I am more than pretty sure you will find that they have renamed it the Kruger-Dunning effect. What countries are between Germany and France? If you want a hint: What countries on Earth are between Germany and France? Some insightful engineering ideas, jus' wait'in to be created: Eggless omelette Rotary wing glider Four sided knife Riderless bikes I invited my Canadian friend to a Christmas dinner held over Zoom. He wanted to know if it would be gluten free. [true story] What does broken glass taste like? What does a knife taste like? What does a running drill taste like? What do your teeth taste like? What does a punch taste like? What does black sausage taste like? Oddly, they taste the same. I routinely ask my kid, will he accomplish enough with his life that he gets a center named after him like Timothy J. Piazza? What's better than a best poster prize? A conference paper. (thanks due to Sue Paterno) These are my secular Croks, the not holey ones. Free food is a meal to a grad student. Professors are just old grad students. "You can get a lot done if you don't try to take credit for it." -- By the way, I said that first. A glass of water, blind. (no-ice). What's the difference between a Harley and a horse? What is the greeting at the old artilliarymen's home? What is the greeting at the old artilliarymen's home. Do you know the name of that obscure Japanese art form? Do Canadians count 1 Mississauga 2 Mississauga ? Hypernate, to use too many hyphenations, a-s i-n t-h-i-s o- r as i- n this s- mall e- xampl- e Self-Interrupting Baah sheep knock-knock joke I told my son, that Timothy J. Piazza got his name on a center. And what you are going to do with your life to get your name on a center? Written with a genial David Hall in a dream (2021): I write about 4000 characters a day that is grammatically correct and have not typeos in them add all. Don't be pandant. Don't be pandantious. I finally got some blackout curtains for my east facing bedroom wall. I was so excited to see if they worked that I could not sleep that night! [true story] I have perfect memory, like photographic memory. There is a technical word for that, I've seen it, but can't recall it right now. Eidetic, I think. How is a raven like a writing desk? They both begin with "R". New microaggressions ==================== Are you full time? So, what bet did you lose? So, just what is your relation to the owner? What are your preferred pronouns? Good luck with your transition. How is *this* transition going? Is this transition going better than the first? You carry your weight well. Your old web cam did not make you look so good. You look like you have been working hard for a long time, but have not been rewarded! What is your first language? Are you as fluent in your mother tongue? How *is* your pain today? Where is your guardian? You are very brave. When did you get vaccinated? Are you new here? [I do get told 'yes'] Are you an understudy? / Whose understudy are you? Thanks for pulling a double. Where did you get that on sale? [thanks to Dancy, true story] It is so very nice to see another Christian Scientist. Looks like your stroke/concussion recovery is going well. You must have a good looking wife! [looking at kid] Your child must have married well! [looking at grandkid] Your grandkids mind you very well. [actually said to my dad] I'd like to thank you for excellent service. I meant to call you but more important things came up.... [true story] Are those tattoos or cigarette burns? What is the worst response to, "We have found you condescending."? I think you could hide your own Easter eggs. Shibboleths that I recognise ============================ Che−he, Che−ha... Eli, Eli.... What makes this knight different from all other knights? Sporty Mono or braided Paradise and octopus kokoretsi Yankee white Quantico Whoop whoop Horn-sign Some bandanas but not all With rice Banana for scale OoA and Vigil Groton Poppies on your lapel Big Red (there are two or three, and basically don't overlap) Are you a traveller? Who is John Gault? Friend of Dorthy Purple crayons taste the best PIC lines Brown, black, and crepe shoes A4 Blighty Toblerone addiction Zebras and horses Avanti's -30-