Chuck Norris, Scientist
These are comment about how Chuck Norris would do in science. Based
on discussions with my son, and inspired by conversations in serial
documentaries about scientists and engineers in the LA area, as well
as colleagues, students, and so on, etc.
Copyright Frank E. Ritter, january 2013 and later
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Chuck Norris had a heart attack. After three agonising days, the heart that attacked, died. [some liberty taken from a joke from Joe W.]
Chuck Norris' camera uses -100 mm lens for 720 degree shots.
Chuck Norris does not use ATP for cellular energy, but AQP.
Chuck Norris can't be moved from his frame of reference.
Chuck Norris put a grounded plug and also a polarised plug into an ungrounded outlet without an adapter.
Chuck Norris has a Glascow Comma Scale (GSC) score of over 110.
Chuck Norris had an Apgar score of 11 when he was born.
Chuck Norris can generate a log-log plot with both range and domain including 0.
Or, Chuck Norris can plot (0,0) on a log-log plot.
Chuck Norris does not have an Erdosh Number; Erdosh has a Norris
number.
Chuck Norris can use the Devil's Pitchfork, and
Chuck Norris can climb Escher's stairs
Chuck Norris sees through optical illusions
Chuck Norris can compute a t-test with just the data summary.
Chuck Norris computes infinite series iteratively in finite time
Chuck Norris gets lower than absolute zero
Chuck Norris is faster than a tachyon running backwards
Chuck Norris can do a t-test using coffee.
When Chuck Norris holds a stance it's with 0 Kelvin movement.
Chuck Norris can travel 2000 milliseconds per second.
Chuck Norris can accelerate from 0 to 60 without any jerk or jounce, and certainly without any snap, crackle, and pop.
Chuck Norris can make electricity run backwards.
Chuck Norris does not have a dielectric constant, he has a die-electric constant.
Chuck Norris has a 1 m Debrogie wavelength.
Chuck Norris can cause a Big Bang.
Chuck Norris uses the tangent of 90 in computations.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...twice
Chuck Norris can count from 0 to 1 using all the rationals,
or all the irrationals,
or all the transcendentals,
or both.
Chuck Norris knows all the digits to Pi, and so:
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi
Chuck Norris knows where Pi starts to repeat
Chuck Norris can make the digits of Pi repeat
Thus, Chuck Norris can solve the halting problems related to computing Pi
Chuck Norris has proved Fermat's last theorem to his own satisfaction.
Chuck Norris knows a particle's momentum and location.
Chuck Norris can square a circle with his bare hands.
Chuck Norris can karate chop an angle into three equal pieces using a straightedge, a compass, and the edge of his hand.
Chuck Norris can travel faster AND slower than the speed of light concurrently.
Chuck Norris knows what anti-matter tastes like, and it is 'peppy'.
Chuck Norris can break carbon-carbon bonds and make double helium molecules.
Chuck Norris has no internal resistance when he gives you a perfect battery.
Chuck Norris can break the sound barrier, and can put it back together without glue or nails.
Chuck Norris gives Watson the answers.
Chuck Norris knows when programs halt -- it's when he tells them to.
Chuck Norris can make exponential algorithms run in linear time out of fear.
Chuck Norris can make linear algorithms run in constant time out of fear
Chuck Norris, therefore, can run algorithms in constant time.
Chuck Norris, therefore, can prove NP=P.
Chuck Norris can simultaneously be both inside and outside any bottle, not just Klein bottles.
Chuck Norris can make two right angles meet, on a plane and on a plane
Chuck Norris can put two ducks in a row, three ducks on a plane, 4 ducks in space, and 5 ducks into hyperspace.
Chuck Norris knows the square root of -1, and it is him.
Chuck Norris knows whether the cat is dead or alive, always, and can make it be either one or both out of fear.
Chuck Norris has created numerous integers between 0 and 1
Chuck Norris can drink dihydrogen oxide and dihydrogen dioxide without harm
Chuck Norris thinks raw chlorine is 'peppy'
Chuck Norris can solve the Tower of Hanoi in one move
Chuck Norris knows which side wins at chess -- it's him
Chuck Norris can move twice as fast as Fitts law
Chuck Norris can ski triple black diamonds, on one ski and no poles
When Chuck Norris carves a turn, he creates black runs
When Chuck Norris catches you, you get the black runs
Chuck Norris does not catch a cold, it catches him!
Chuck Norris is completely anti-viral and anti-prion
Chuck Norris can catch neutrinos in his bare hands
Chuck Norris has negative memory decay
Chuck Norris not only approaches limits but goes past them
When the Chuck Norris particle decays, it turns into numerous Higgs bosons
Chuck Norris could shave his beard with Occam's razor, but that would be too simple
[bob warren]
When Chuck Norris withdraws water from a well, a cone of fear develops
[bob warren]
Chuck Norris, scientist, uses a binary numeral system with 3 symbols: 0, 1, and his fist
[bob warren]
When Chuck Norris crosses a Navy SEAL, the result is an undefined vector
Chuck Norris does not do extreme programming, he does extreme everything
Chuck Norris routinely gets correlations above 10.
Chuck Norris is looked up to by Bill Brasky.
Chuck Norris can intubate himself.
Chuck Norris does not one-up someone, he two-ups people!
Other Academic jokes
====================
You mother is so ugly that she was Miss Uncanny Valley 1965-1975.
Your mother is so cheap that she buys reconditioned dental floss! [reconditioned from Chris D.]
Your parent is so fat that she could be the entire faculty-at-large party at commencement!
Your parent is so fat that their picture can't fit in a single browser tab!
Your parent is so fat that she graduated from college summa cum lardest!
Your parent is so fat that her index of difficulty in Fitts law is 0
Your parent is so fat that when she is in a study it has an N of 100!
that is, 100 factorial!
Your parent is so fat that when she butt dials, for all X, where X is a cell phone, X rings!
When three travel together, I can learn from one of them; except when it's your parent, and that's not just because then the three can't fit on the same bus.
Your parent is so fat that she can fill up a black hole so much that it stops radiating!
Your parent is so fat that a logistic regression classified her as a 2!
(Dan Guzek declines credit)
Your parent is so stupid she had a negative Apgar score when she was born and it has not gone up!
your parent is so stupid she has a negative GCS score even before she gets in an accident!
Your parent is so fat that her fat molecules release over 500 units of ATP per molecule metabolised!
Your parent is so fat that your other parent does not call them 'Dear' or even'Moose' but 'Mooses'.
Your parent is so stupid that when they are in a discussion they contribute negative (Shannon's) information!
Your parent is so stupid she has a Glascow Comma Scale (GSC) score of 0, and it goes negative when she's asleep.
Battle's sign
A haiku consists
of 3 lines of unrhymed words,
each 5, 7, 5 long.
A series of similar paintings
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the view out of a cockpit in fog
the grand canyon in fog
a cow eating grass
a snowman in a snowstorm
a polar bear looking ahead in the arctic
Picasso's version of the above (in blue)